What is your relationship with the mirror? Do you look at yourself daily with scrutiny? Do you avoid your reflection as much as possible? Have you ever admired what you see?
Mirror work is a self love technique popularized by Louise L. Hay* and still championed by her estate, Hay House. Not to be confused with mirroring, which is another conversation technique used to properly comprehend others, mirror work primarily focuses on a conversation with yourself (it can also be done with a partner or alone in a sensual sense, more on that in part 2). Mirror work is a practice used to build self esteem, administer self love, develop a solid sense of self as well as process grief and trauma. You accomplish this by using intentional sentences filled with love, forgiveness, curiosity, joy and affirmations.
At first, you may feel weird talking to yourself, I know I did. Until I realized how much I enjoyed hearing positive words about myself from myself. So many times, the biggest bully in our lives is the one in our head, that definitely was the case for me. Growing up as a big Black girl, I was bullied for my appearance almost daily; sometimes I still get hateful comments as an adult. But I made a promise to myself once I got out of high school, and away from the cruel kids I was forced to share a space with, that I would uplift myself as often as possible and only choose environments of love and acceptance. I wish I could say I stayed in that mindset from then to now, but I’ve definitely allowed that bully in my head to steer me into devastating situations because I didn’t believe I deserved better. I couldn’t see that my lack of love for myself was directly causing me to have a lackluster life.
I tell people all the time that the best part about being a life coach is learning the lessons with my clients and this is definitely one of those lessons. I was speaking with a client about building their confidence in conversations and suggested they use complimenting others as a conversation starter as well as giving themselves daily compliments while looking in the mirror. After that session I ruminated on the fact I hadn’t given myself a complement in months. And I had plenty to compliment myself on at the time, not to toot my own horn, but I had left an abusive job and built my LLC in less than a year from nothing. Within my first month of business I built a website, created a social media page, designed my logo/brand aesthetic and managed to book 4 clients. Even in doing all that, I felt like this was Behind the Curve LLC instead of Green Curve LLC. Like I hadn’t done enough to deserve a congratulations. Part of that was because I was desperately seeking outward validation for my creation. The other part is that I wasn’t giving myself that validation either. I wanted my friends and family to look at what I had created and go “Wow! I’m so proud of you Tiff!” I wanted them to read my mission statement and be interested in my site layout, etc. But in reality, I wasn’t even giving myself that energy. I wasn’t hyping myself up or showing myself love, I was waiting for the approval of others so I could co-sign AND THEN approve of myself. So even when some family and friends started sharing my work and giving me what I thought I wanted, it felt nice but hollow. The approval I was really seeking was from the bully in my head. I had to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, ‘Have I done enough to deserve YOUR approval yet’?
I slowly began assigning myself the same exercises as my clients whenever they involved confidence or self-love. I realized through meditation and processing my behaviors that I wasn’t allowing myself to absorb compliments when people gave them, because my inner bully would tell me ‘They’re just being nice, you’re really not that great.’, so my solution was to give myself compliments in the mirror. The only way I was going to believe it when other people said nice things to me is if I started hearing those nice things from myself. This is not as easy as it sounds when you don’t know yourself and you’re not used to it. Speaking life and positivity over yourself is truly empowering but it can be intimidating and overwhelming, so have patience with yourself. Approach these exercises without judgment and allow yourself to feel whatever feelings that come up. I repeat, just observe your feelings. DO. NOT. JUDGE. This is also easier said than done, so do your best to redirect yourself when you begin to pick your feelings apart. Saying phrases like ‘I am not my thoughts’ help with reducing judgment.
A simple way to begin mirror work is by looking in the mirror and simply saying ‘I love you and I accept you.’ Let yourself sit with whatever feelings come up and resist the urge to reduce what you’re doing to cheesy or dumb. This is not the time to make fun of yourself or devalue your admiration of yourself, this is a moment to REALLY and TRULY say I love you to you. You can start with once a day or do more if you like. Louise L. Hay recommends in her books to carry a pocket mirror with you daily so you can always give yourself love as needed. She also states, “... if saying I love you is too hard to say, start with saying ‘I'm willing to learn to like you…’” which
I think is brilliant. Being willing to love yourself even when you don’t at the moment is a great stepping stone and it sets an intention. Keep that promise to yourself. You may not like who you are right now, you might not like what you see in the mirror, but you can be open and willing to learn all there is to love that you never even noticed. Even if you end up changing things about your physical appearance, they can be sure footed in true self love, not hollow acceptance.
Now, as for that sensual mirror work, that’s another level of self love entirely. Stay tuned for Mirror Work, Pt. 2 - Sensual Mirror Work. Coming Soon.
*Reference - Hay House on Youtube : https://youtu.be/VZFcN5qB8yM
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