Sensual mirror work, as I like to call it, is the practice of using the mirror to create a loving mood. Part of embracing ourselves fully is embracing our sensual/creative energy. Sensual/sexual energy IS our creative energy. It literally creates life in every form, not just babies. So many people shy away from exploring their sexuality, again, for the same reason they don’t explore self-love. They’re afraid they will discover some heinous fact about themselves that they aren’t sure they’ll be able to accept or they’ll share a part of themselves that they really love with a person, only for it to be rejected. The truth is, your sexuality is just that, YOURS. So no one can reject what you decide is well with you. As we discussed in part 1, the best way to do this is to speak to yourself in the mirror until you get it through to the bully in your head that you are beautiful, you are sexy, you deserve pleasure and your body is a gift. This type of mirror work can be great for working through sexual trauma and for general self-discovery as well.
Over the last few years, I have been in deconstruction mode when it comes to my faith and spiritual beliefs. Not necessarily to denounce my belief in God (I don’t ever see myself doing that) but to tear down religious barriers in my mind that kept me from exploring areas of my life that desperately needed attention and healing. I chose not to subscribe to religious rhetoric that suppressed me as a woman anymore. I decided to embrace my sexuality instead of feeling shame and embarrassment about being a human who enjoys sex. I am actively pursuing a life of pleasure in all forms as often as possible. No, this doesn’t mean I want sex all day everyday or that I’ll automatically be into every freaky ass thing you can think of. It just means that I recognize that I deserve pleasure and I don’t have to do anything to earn it. I don’t have to live a repressed life to make others comfortable or wait X amount of time or say X amount of prayers… I am worthy of pleasure now and always. One of the biggest tools that helped me reach this mindset was, you guessed it, Mirror Work.
I’ve never been a person who is shy of showing my body at home, mostly because I hate clothes and prefer to be nude or in the least amount of clothes possible when I’m not in public (like a big robe or sleep shirt and shorts when my kid is home) . One day when I was stepping into the shower, I decided to talk to my naked body. I just said ‘hey you’ and then stood there in silence. I stared at my body from top to bottom and then said ‘you’re a big girl but you're beautiful’. This was the beginning of baby compliments; eventually I dropped the negative comments, kept the positive ones and started speaking to specific parts of my body intentionally, saying things like, ‘I love your skin’, and ‘...these titties are still pretty’. Yes, I dove in immediately. When I spoke to a certain area of my body, I would use touch to seal in those words, gliding my hand across my arm when I admired my skin or using my hands to cup my breasts when I speak about them. This way I am speaking, feeling and seeing my self-love, amplifying my intentions with as many senses as possible.
I started to flirt with myself everyday, a ‘heyyy you’ to my reflection whenever I passed a mirror at clothing stores (YES even in public). A ‘Damn you look good today’ as I was getting dressed in front of my bedroom mirror. ‘Oof! You are so smart’ when I’m working on more coaching certifications and catch my reflection in my living room window. I began to look forward to seeing me. This self love was so freeing and fun to my spirit, I couldn’t help but giggle at times. I was legit falling in love with myself. I found myself wanting to flirt with my own reflection too, that’s where things got sensual.
I will preface this by saying that I was taught years ago, by the women in my family and the outstanding gynecologist in my life, the value of self checks for health purposes. So, I’m not a woman who's never seen what I'm working with down there. IF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR GENITALS, GO LOOK NOW. Whether you are male, female, non-binary or anywhere in between, all humans need to know what their body looks like. If you don’t know what normal looks, feels, or even smells like, you’ll never notice or know when something is abnormal. To be your best health advocate, LOOK and look often. I’m also not foreign to the idea of self pleasure/masturbation either. The joy of self pleasure was condemned by my ex-husband’s church and I was brainwashed to remove it from my life. Now that I am deconstructing my faith, I no longer subscribe to that belief. If you’ve never experienced what masturbation feels like, be patient with yourself as you explore and allow yourself to feel without judgment. If you’re looking to try sensual mirror work with a partner, we’ll get to that shortly.
I thought back to when I used to go out of my way to take sexy pictures and record sexy videos for men that didn’t even deserve it. I would pose as they wanted, say what they thought was sexy, etc. but this time I thought, I wanna turn ME on, how do I do that? I stood in front of a mirror in my bedroom and thought of all the places I like to be touched. I thought about all the slow, soft and even aggressive touches that I enjoy but my partners rarely seemed to achieve(even with direction from me). All of the care I used to crave, all of the foreplay and intentional movement that never happened. I felt myself getting angry about the reciprocity I never received while being excited that I could give it to myself all at the same time. I began to feel warm, receptive… my heart started racing and I chose to make love to myself right in front of that mirror. I was longing for sensuality, intention and passion for so long, I couldn’t wait anymore. How could anyone not want this? Not love this? Not feel how amazing this feels… that was all I could think of as I found pleasure all over my body while watching myself in that mirror. Eventually, I layed down, put on some music I wanted to hear, lit my favorite incense and gave myself all the things I'd been craving. I slept like a baby.
These days I make the joke often that I am in two sexual relationships: one with my current partner and one with myself. Now that I have embraced my own sexuality, chose pleasure and allowed myself to enjoy it without judgment, I consider self pleasure part of my self-care routine. I find that taking the time to see about me actually enhances the sex I have with my partner. We have even incorporated sensual mirror work into our relationship as well. My partner and I will stand side by side in front of the mirror (you can do this in the nude, fully clothed, whatever works for you and your partner) and choose compliments to exchange back and forth. You can even use the senses as I did in my solo mirror work with your partner. Have them touch or kiss the part they’re complimenting as they smile at you, making eye contact in the mirror. Watch their hands explore your body and your hands explore theirs. Listen to each other's voices, hear each breath and how they change as you get more excited. And, before you ask, YES! of course you can have sex in front of the mirror, why not?! Do what works best for you! Enjoy! No one is judging you, no one else is around. Whatever you’re comfortable with, do it. Your body will do the rest. Let your desire come forward in these exercises and give your logical mind the night off.
Sex is a basic human need that we deny ourselves far too often, so is self-love. You NEED to love yourself and know yourself to know what your life should look like: the type of job you want, the type of friends you would like to have, where you want to travel, your personal style… remember sexual energy IS creative energy. You need sex and/or sensuality to tap into your creativity. Don’t deny yourself that expression out of fear. Just choose curiosity and take a look in the mirror.
See you in Mirror Work, Part 3: Healing from Trauma.
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